There is a difference between a person who hurts you by making a mistake and a person who hurts by continuing a pattern. Mistakes can be forgiven. Patterns should be broken. – Jay Shetty
You never truly know why you were born into your particular family. But in this universe, nothing happens without reason. Every planet moves in perfect synchronicity, and even the slightest deviation could unravel the cosmos. So, your birth is no mere coincidence—it must have meaning. The best explanation I can find is the idea of karmic debt from previous lives. Perhaps we are all here to gradually repay what we owe. No one is inherently good or bad; it all depends on circumstance. A person may be kind to ten people and cruel to ten others. The same complexity applies to our families.
We must reflect on these relationships by the time we reach adulthood—the sooner, the better. Otherwise, like me at 60, you may one day realize that you’ve spent decades living with low self-esteem, when in truth, walking away from your family could have changed everything for the better.
People in my family were not bad to others, but there were very negative vibes towards me for no apparent reason. I now realize that every action and discussion indicated that I was born into this family to repay my karmic debts.
What are the signs that you should look for to understand that you are undergoing this unknown trauma?
Check in with yourself—are you experiencing emotional abuse? Often, when they close in, the entire family may overwhelm you with declarations of love, insisting you’re the most cherished, and that’s when the emotional blackmail begins. In my case, I was constantly under watch. I had no personal space, and they claimed it was out of concern for my well-being. Meanwhile, my cousins and sisters enjoyed full access to gadgets like tape recorders and other forms of entertainment. But whenever I reached for something—say, a camera—my family would instantly express concern that it might interfere with my studies. The manipulation was so subtle and calculated, I ended up believing it myself.
I really believed that all these people were working hard only for my welfare. And because, deep inside, I was quite sad in this situation, I always lived with very low self-esteem. I always felt guilty. For me, the goal of my life became to please all these people to prove that I am a good person.
They would be abusive, sarcastic, and dominating, but the discussion would end up stating that they were doing all this because they loved me and cared for me. It was too confusing for me, but with time I accepted that they were all correct and I was wrong. A key warning sign of abuse and manipulation is when someone repeatedly says, “I would die for you!” to control or emotionally pressure you.
It is difficult to believe, but it went on for over 55 years, and that’s why I am writing now so that no one else should go through the same trauma. Start pinpointing and analyzing the warning signals so that you can come out of this kind of situation cleverly without struggling, fighting, or annoying anyone.
How I came to understand about of it all?
When they started targeting my family in a similar way, that was the first signal to me that something was dangerously wrong. I was confused. I went through hundreds of YouTube videos to learn more about my situation, and then I came to know about people known as ‘Gas lighters’.
“These kinds of people love it when you start responding to their behavior the way they want. But when I permanently moved overseas, I started to forget about my traumatic past and stopped responding to them. They found it difficult to accept this fact and took it as a challenge. To intensify the situation, they started targeting my family. Just imagine, I am ten thousand kilometers away, and these people would call me and, instead of asking about our welfare, they would start giving sermons about how to maintain our legacy, how to respect our culture, religion, and traditions. This would all start very politely and slowly escalate to the point of ultimate abuse.
Instead of explaining what kind of people Gaslighters are, I will write how Oxford dictionary defines Gaslighters:
“A person who uses psychological methods to manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning”.
Just imagine if only I had known about gas lighters 55 years ago, my life would have been so different. So take action before it is too late.
My Recommendations:
- Do not allow people to give their advice to you if you have not asked for it and be brutal about it.
- Do not seek someone’s approval for your actions or lifestyle. It is your right to do what you do or how you act unless you are affecting someone else.
- What people think about you is none of your business.
- Be kind and polite but do not allow anyone to dictate their term on you.
- Life will never be fair but you need to learn to deal with that if you want to live happily.
Once, I was watching a podcast featuring Dr. Deepak Chopra. In response to a question, he shared that his first existential crisis occurred when his grandfather passed away—he was only four years old at the time. That statement really made me think. I’ve never experienced an existential crisis when someone in my family passed away. Does that mean I was never truly connected to anyone in my family? Was my birth into this family just an accidental misplacement?
If it could happen to me, it could happen to anyone. And if it’s happening to you, take a moment to reflect on your connection to your family—before you sacrifice your entire life for those around you.
Drawing the Line: How to Set Boundaries with Gaslighters:
- We may see things differently, but it’s time to move on.
- If this is how the conversation goes on, I’ll have to step back.
- I know what I went through, and I don’t need to justify it.
- I won’t continue this conversation if you keep misrepresenting what I’m saying.
- I think it’s best if we take a break from this conversation.
- I won’t be continuing this discussion any further today.
- Happy to talk—once we can do it in a respectful way.
The above phrases can help you end the conversation while preserving your self-respect and avoiding frustration.